How I Would Re-Theme These Disney World Rides
The harsh reality of running an empire like Disney is that ruthless decisions come with the job.
Sure, you may love Test Track, but when the ride’s sponsor says, “I hate Test Track and want it changed,” you’re just along for the ride.
Photo:visitorlando.com
At some point, you’re going to make the tough call, like closing a popular ride with dated, problematic philosophies in favor of one brimming with optimism and joy.
Some people will waste all their free time on social media, berating you for what’s honestly an obvious choice.
Disney
Change is merely the cost of doing business at Disney theme parks. Walt Disney demanded it, and theme park loyalists expect it.
Today, I’m going to try to fix several Disney problems at once.
Photo: Disneyplanning.com
Here’s how I would retheme four lackluster Disney attractions.
Gran Fiesta Tour Starring the Three Caballeros
Photo: Disney
Okay, anyone who knows me will be surprised by this suggestion, but I’m also a realist.
I love Donald Duck and the Three Caballeros and get excited when I see merchandise for this attraction.
Still, I’m acutely aware of how empty this line queue is.
Realistically, Disney needs to maximize this space, just as was the case with Maelstrom in the days leading up to the Frozen Ever After announcement.
Disney
Fortunately, we’ve got another beloved IP that would slot in here and attract a new generation of Disney fans.
Disney could add some elements from Santa Cecilia toward the start of the ride, and then gradually transition to the Land of the Dead.
Gran Fiesta Tour
The retheme would replace the shenanigans of Donald Duck – which I love – with the music and visuals of Coco and his Alebrije.
You could enter the Mexico pavilion, have a spirit guide carry you through the land of the dead, and then be back at the San Angel Inn in time for tacos and flan.
Kali River Rapids
The environmental message of Kali River Rapids matters greatly, and I’d never dismiss it.
Alas, 95 percent of people riding Kali River Rapids have no idea what the story is.
Photo: D23
It’s simply too subtle unless you’re paying attention to all the details while standing in line.
As such, the message gets drowned out.
Photo by Judd Helms via WDW Magazine
This attraction would draw more people in with a more identifiable brand, which makes a retheme an unfortunate necessity.
Since this attraction is in Animal Kingdom’s Asia section, I’d prefer to connect it to something like Mulan or Raya and the Last Dragon, but those don’t really have water sequences.
Photo: DigitalGlobe via Google Maps
Do you know which classic Disney film does have an Asian setting and some water scenes, though?
Jungle Book has all those things.
Photo:Disney
Mowgli and Baloo frolic in the water during Bare Necessities. The ride could also build to the end, where Mowgli sees a girl and follows her.
Disney could add a joyous soundtrack, a multigenerational theme, and tie together a very good water ride in a way it currently lacks.
Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith
If you don’t want to think the worst of a person, never Google Steven Tyler’s legal troubles.
However, that’s only a small part of the overriding issue with this roller coaster.
Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster
We also have contributing factors, like the fact that everyone in Aerosmith would qualify as old even in Florida.
Then, we have the fact that I recently had a nurse detail the time she broke her arm on this ride, and she’s far from alone.
I’ve been monitoring the theme park quarterly injury reports for more than a decade now.
The Aerosmith coaster appears because Disney overcorrected when building its theme ride.
The Imagineers had a chip on their shoulder and created something overly aggressive.
This roller coaster needs – and I realize this is blasphemy to say – to slow down and stretch out a bit.
Photo: Disney
I’d like to see more of an experience akin to Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind.
My inclination would be a retheme to Iron Man, which would mean plenty of timeless AC/DC music.
However, the Marvel deal with Universal may prevent that.
If so, two other potential ideas involve the Electric Mayhem from the Muppets and Goofy and Powerline Max.
Max at Hollywood Studios
I feel strongly that Mickey and Minnie’s Runaway Railway underscored the popularity of the sensational six
Similarly, I believe that Powerline Max already plays strong at Disney’s Hollywood Studios, so his transition to this attraction feels organic.
Tomorrowland Speedway
Tomorrowland Speedway
In a different article you may not have read yet, I bemoan the horrific throughput of Tomorrowland Speedway.
A quick glance at any Magic Kingdom map underscores the outsized footprint of this ride campus. Yet, it hosts a paltry number of guests.
Photo: Disney
What’s the obvious choice to fix it? We age up the experience while walling it in and making it multiple floors.
That’s right. I want to codify Disney Speedstorm as a real attraction and not just a video game.
My thought is that Disney has already built a brand that resonates with a new generation of gamers much more than Tomorrowland Speedway ever did.
Sure, many of us have fond memories of riding these vehicles as children, but the realism dissipates around the time you hit 10 years of age, if not sooner.
Photo: Disney
Disney could match and presumably surpass Mario Kart: Bowser’s Challenge by turning Tomorrowland Speedway into an indoor attraction with virtual elements.
Even better, Disney could connect this to the videogame by offering unified rewards.
Disney
This approach fully modernizes a ride that was antiquated the day it opened at Magic Kingdom.
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