Which Walt Disney World Rides Aren’t for Me?

I adore the variety at the Disney theme parks.

Park strategists understand that every attraction will appeal to someone…but not everyone.

Photo:visitorlando.com

Today, I’d like to take the reverse approach to how I generally discuss the parks.

Here are nine Disney rides that just aren’t for me.

Astro Orbiter

One lingering concern guides my thinking on several of these attractions.

I’m a large man.

Seriously, I can comfortably wear size 13 shoes, although I tend toward 12s these days.

I had my annual physical last week, and my combine stats are 6’ 2.5” and 228 pounds. I won’t be turning pro anytime soon, but I’m big.

Disney designs most of its rides to fit a person of average height. It’s a corporate strategy to target people in the middle of the spectrum.

Photo: Disney

All the outliers like me can figure out the “one size fits all” on our own. We tend to laugh harder at “one size fits some” jokes more than most.

At Disney, Astro Orbiter feels like a personal attack on me. For whatever reason, cast members don’t want me to ride this one alone.

So, I find myself squeezed into the ride with my wife, which is frankly worse for her than it is for me.

You never want to be the little spoon in a mosh pit.

As an aside, something else about Astro Orbiter bugs me anyway. Why does Disney design the line queue this way?

Photo: Disney

You meander around the bottom of the structure. Then, you ride in a tight-fitting elevator to the top floor.

Once you get there, you’re stuck for another couple of rides. It’s weird.

Avatar Flight of Passage

Photo: Disney

I just lost 90 percent of you, and I know it. This opinion is a wildly unpopular one.

Part of the explanation above applies here. Something else specific to me is that my L5-S1, an integral part of my lower back, has “exploded.”

Photo: Facebook/Imagineer Podcast

Those are the words of a back surgeon, not me. I’ve torn both sides of that disc, and I’ve got calcified bone spurs to boot.

When I visit Avatar Flight of Passage, something I’ve done at least 20 times, some well-intended cast member ratchets me into that motorcycle seat.

Photo: OC Register

Imagine 75 needles shoved into your eyeball. That’s about how it feels.

I’m a huge fan of the ride experience of Avatar Flight of Passage, and I also quite like the Avatar film franchise.

Alas, my body has loudly informed me to skip Avatar Flight of Passage from now on.

The Barnstormer

Listing this one almost feels like a cheat.

After all, the Barnstormer is a junior roller coaster, and I haven’t been a junior since the glory days of Def Leppard.

Still, this roller coaster has never felt Disney enough for me. The theming is cute but minimal.

I walk through this section of Magic Kingdom regularly. I honestly don’t think I’ve ridden The Barnstormer since late 2020.

Journey into Imagination with Figment

Photo: DVC Shop

Some of you are nodding with me, while others are ready to spray me with holy water.

I fully appreciate both sides of this discussion. I mean, I’ve loved Figment since he co-starred with his friend, the Dreamfinder.

Photo: Disney

That’s the one true version of this ride. Disney inexplicably modernized it as part of the millennial celebration. In the process, park officials ruined a good thing.

The current version is…fine. And I have ridden it within the past year. It’s just not something I prioritize because I know the ride should be better.

Mad Tea Party

Photo: Disney

I want to throw up just thinking about this one.

Honestly, any and all uncomfortable experiences I’ve had on Mad Tea Party are my fault, too.

Photo: DIsney

I take the “when in Rome…” approach once I enter the ride cart. Once the ride begins, I start spinning as fast as possible.

Three minutes later, I stumble off the ride and (unsuccessfully) try to remember my own name.

Photo: Disney

I am my own worst enemy and have no one to blame but myself.

Since discretion is the better part of valor, I typically skip this one now. I’m saving me from myself.

Mission: SPACE

The amount of effort Disney expended in building this attraction has never lined up with its quality.

Imagineers spoke with countless NASA officials, including some astronauts who have actually been in outer space.

Somehow, the attraction that came from these conversations is repetitive and oddly stagnant.

Photo: Disney

For most of the ride experience, you stare at a small screen the size of an iPad. A couple of times, you press a button.

I don’t understand why Disney thought this premise would be fun for guests.

Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith

I happen to love this attraction, partially because Disney has chosen most of my favorite Aerosmith songs for the soundtrack.

I even know all the lyrics to F.I.N.E., something I’m not even sure Steven Tyler can say.

Still, two criticisms prevent me from riding this one regularly.

First, the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. Last week, the average wait for Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster was 74 minutes. The ride itself takes maybe two minutes.

Rock n Roller Coaster

When you’re spending a factor of 37 more time in line than on the ride, that’s terrible bang for the buck.

Second, when I’m not focused at the start of the ride, I wind up with a headache.

The signs and narration warn people to position their heads against the support.

That’s because the quick propulsion start will knock your head backward and almost stun you right off the bat.

When that happens, the rest of the roller coaster ride is quite dizzying.

Oh, and my wife hates this ride, which doesn’t help.

Space Mountain

For a ride that goes as slowly as Space Mountain, it somehow torques my back the worst of anything.

As I discuss in another article about Disney potentially rebooting this ride, Space Mountain has grown long in the tooth.

Photo: Disney

The rickety design creates a lot of wear and tear on the body. And I mean healthy bodies, not my shattered bones.

Space Mountain is irrefutably a classic, and I love telling the story of its creation. It’s just not something I should be riding these days, though.

Tomorrowland Speedway

I’m an adult. I drive already.

So, which Disney rides aren’t for you? Let us know in the comments!

Photo: MickeyBlog

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Feature Photo: Disney