You’re This Old. Which Disney Park Is Best for You?
Friends ask me so many questions about Walt Disney World, which is understandable.
We’re talking about a place that hosts four different theme parks, all of which vary in demographic target audiences.
That’s a marketer’s way of saying that some Disney theme parks appeal to specific age groups more than others. And that leads to a fundamental question.
Let’s say that you’re this old. Which Disney theme park is best for you?
Under 5
Okay, let’s admit the truth here. When you take a child under two to Walt Disney World, you’re doing it for you more than them.
The kid’s long-term memory won’t kick in for a while yet. So, your best hope involves some priceless photographs and no kicking and screaming.
Realistically, about one out of every 20 children this age sees human-sized mice, ducks, and chipmunks and FREAKS OUT!
If that happens, you’re getting some kicking and screaming. Still, you’ll accept the occasional tantrum for that clout-winning Instagram post, right?
For kids who are ages three to five, a Disney memory or two is possible. For example, I remember walking down Main Street, U.S.A. at roughly that age.
As far as parks go, Disney’s Animal Kingdom and Magic Kingdom will hold the most appeal.
However, I think that Animal Kingdom will entertain your kid the most, presuming that they enjoy playing with animals.
The petting zoos, the bird shows, the gorilla trail, and other attractions will dazzle them.
5 to 9
At five or six, your child will start to understand the mechanics of a theme park a bit more.
When they’re in the seven-to-nine range, they know the deal, just like they’re probably figuring out the truth about Santa Claus.
Your kid has reached the age where they will use some combination of begging, pleading, whining, and manipulation to work a Disney trip out of you.
Never for a moment believe that this vacation was your idea. You got played.
Once you arrive at Walt Disney World, you should prioritize Magic Kingdom. Your child is old enough now to appreciate everything that’s happening.
Character meetings won’t induce freak-outs, rides like Pirates of the Caribbean will inspire awe, and the sweets will lead to many sugar rushes.
Animal Kingdom will still hold plenty of appeal. However, your kid will probably know when to complain about the heat and walking.
So, you’ll do more heavy lifting here, sometimes literally. As such, I think the push should be toward Magic Kingdom.
10 to 14
Okay, now the maturation process has kicked in. As your child turns into a pre-teen, well, I’m not gonna lie. It’s gonna be a rough few years for you.
I’d strongly suggest wine with dinner and the occasional therapy session. Also, befriend several babysitters just to be safe.
At Walt Disney World, your aging kid will aim a bit higher with their ambition. Those height requirements double as rites of passage.
Children exhilarate in those moments of glory when standing on their tippy-toes allows them to ride something new.
They’ll trend toward the more aggressive thrill rides to prove that they’re all grown up.
Disney’s Hollywood Studios has evolved into the mecca for such rides. You know those height measurements you’ve done on your kid’s wall?
Well, the attractions at this park work similarly. You’ll start with Slinky Dog Dash and then move on to Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance.
At a certain age, your child can tolerate Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, which is no small feat.
Later, they’ll reach the equivalent of Disney adulthood by conquering Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith.
You’ve done your job as a parent in raising a Disney fan!
15 to 20
Okay, I’m not trying to sound cheeky here, just being honest.
Many people in this age group will fall out of love with Disney for a while. This is because they want to prove they’re adults, even when they’re not yet.
The mentality in this age range requires that teenagers eschew stuff that’s for babies…like Disney.
Now, when they’re not showing off for their friends or trying to impress strangers, they’ll still love it. After all, Disney visits are awesome.
I just want to warn you that any suggestion you make about the best park for a teen will be met with icy stares and proclamations that you don’t understand them.
The answer for this age group remains Hollywood Studios.
Thrill rides are somehow much less Disney than It’s a Small World when you’re this age. Oddly, that’s a good thing.
21 to 30
EPCOT. The answer is EPCOT.
You’re legally old enough to drink. You’re gonna drink. Realistically, you’re gonna do lots and lots of stupid stuff while you’re drinking.
You’ll love every second of it, even though you may not remember much of it after the fact.
The World Showcase exists for the 21 to 30 crowd. So eat, drink (too much), and be merry.
Remember: Disney transportation will take you back to your hotel anyway!
In Your 30s
This answer at least partially depends on whether you have children. If you do, refer to the age groups listed previously.
Let’s be real about the fact that you’re going to do whatever makes your kid(s) happy. As such, you’re an outstanding person. Never forget that!
However, you may not have children, or you may visit sometime without the kids.
You should relish the majesty of Magic Kingdom, God’s perfect theme park.
Seriously, you’ll find so much to do at Magic Kingdom that you might not even feel like visiting the other parks.
When my wife and I Park Hop, we almost always end up at Magic Kingdom toward the end of the day. It’s usually got longer operating hours.
Plus, after the fireworks end, crowds thin out, providing you with ample opportunities to ride your favorites without waiting in huge lines.
In Your 40s or 50s
Okay, now we’re back to EPCOT again. Let’s face it. You’ve gotten a bit older, a bit wiser, and a bit slower.
That’s okay! If the options are slowing down a bit and being dead, I’ll take the living tortoise over the deceased hare.
Also, you’re now a human information repository, and you’re always on the lookout for new ways to expand your brain.
The pavilions at the World Showcase will stir your creativity. Plus, when you need a break, the ample shows at the back of the park provide an excuse to sit down.
At the risk of sounding a bit controversial, I enjoy Disney more now that I’m in this age group than I did in my 20s and 30s.
I was more of an adrenaline junkie then. Today, I’m much more impressed by the artistry and theming on display at Walt Disney World.
Also, my traveling party worries more about where we’ll eat than we ever did in our 20s. And EPCOT is definitely the place for foodies to go!
60 to 75
The following two age groups are the ones that I haven’t personally experienced. However, I have watched my father do some pretty remarkable things at this age.
What I learned from him is that shows matter so much at this age. Sometimes, you need to get off your feet and out of the glaring sun.
For this reason, I think Hollywood Studios makes some sense. In fact, I’ll toss in another reason.
As the smallest of the four parks, Hollywood Studios places the fewest demands on your body.
You’re never more than a few blocks away from your destination, and you’ll find plenty of 15-to-30-minute shows to give you a break when you’re tired.
Now that I’ve made that argument, I’ll add that most people I know who are in this age group prefer Magic Kingdom, as it provides warm memories and boundless joy.
76 and Up
The year before my father died, he visited a theme park. He was 79 years old at the time and a 16-year cancer survivor. Dad was tough.
We met him for dinner that night while other family members went to the park with him.
Some of my nephews and nieces joined him, but not all of them were willing to ride this:
My elderly father did, though. In fact, he rode it twice. So, whenever I visit this park, I must ride this.
Otherwise, I’m admitting that Dad was more of a daredevil at 79 than I am today. I can’t have that.
You may wonder why I’m saying all this, and my answer is simple.
Folks, if you’re still visiting ANY theme park when you’re 76 or up, ride whatever you want.
A doctor tried to tell one of my aunts that she needed to stop eating bacon for breakfast. She was 92 at the time.
When I heard that story, my first thought was that the doctor should have started eating bacon for breakfast instead. Whatever she was doing worked!
Personally, I would still suggest EPCOT. Anecdotally, I’ve noticed that Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom seem more popular, though.
Hey, you’ve lived a long and rich life. So, do whatever brings you joy at the Most Magical Place on Earth!
FEATURE IMAGE: Disney