The Ghost Host Discusses the Scariest Disney Rides
Greetings, foolish mortals, and welcome to the most macabre week of the year!
With Halloween fast approaching, I thought you’d enjoy a good fright. Or maybe I’ll enjoy you frightening you. I am your Ghost Host today, after all.
Curl under the covers and prepare to scream in terror. Here are the scariest rides at Disney theme parks! Mwahuhahahaha.
You humans keep playing with things you don’t understand.
You grab your Ouija boards to commune with the spirit world, you ship your richest humans to outer space, and you bring back the dead.
Oh yes, dinosaurs once roamed the Earth, but they got too cocky, too. So the universe decided they were better off dead and triggered an extinction-level event.
For no discernible reasons, here you are messing with dinosaur DNA and creating robotic versions of the scariest monsters ever.
Haven’t you seen Westworld? This can only end in tears!
Speaking of monsters, you humans aren’t welcome at the Forbidden Mountain. It’s right there in the name. You’re literally forbidden.
That’s why I feel such sympathy for my good friend, the Yeti. He’s such a good and kind abominable snowman.
Here’s a recent video I took of him offering a friend a snow cone:
That’s the kind of mythical man-ape he is! So how do humans treat such a generous soul?
You enter his mountain via some sort of speeding train, disrupting his home life and quiet time. I think you even wake him from his hibernation.
Why else would he swipe at you so slowly? All you humans owe my friend, the Yeti, an apology. I hope he eats you.
Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride
I love this ride because the toad gets what he deserves!
Animators made him anthropomorphic, which means that he displays human traits.
So, he’s greedy and superficial and prone to bad judgment. He exemplifies you humans, and that’s why this ride makes me so happy.
The human-like toad foolishly purchases an automobile he’s wholly incapable of driving.
Then, he recklessly goes down the road, nearly crashing several times. Eventually, a law enforcement officer tracks him down and sends him to jail.
A judge correctly determines his guilt, but the infernal toad somehow escapes.
I’m grateful to report that his prison break goes poorly when his ride smashes into a moving train.
The only good toad is a squashed toad.
For me, the best part doesn’t come until the end, though. Then, a devil sentences the toad to The Bad Place, a realm where I don’t reside.
I chose to stay in my home instead. Speaking of which…
Look, everyone would own a vacation home in Paris if they could. So don’t hate me for being one of the lucky ones.
While my primary residences are in California and Florida, I keep a place at Disneyland Paris as well.
Hey, I was a successful pirate in life, and I’ve had a couple of centuries of compound interest adding to my wealth.
I don’t want to brag, but I could be one of those rich people you send to space.
Anyway, the point is that I keep a second gothic home, this one a bit more rustic. I bought it during my frontier phase.
At the time, my beloved daughter was shacking up with someone I deemed beneath her. So, I killed him and doomed her to eternal torment.
Your Ghost Host isn’t the best father.
I mean, the instant strangers enter my Stretching Room, I start scaring the stuffing out of them. So, you can’t be surprised by this revelation.
Anyway, I prefer my residences in Anaheim and Orlando. Still, I love the darkness of my gothic Phantom Manor in France.
In space, no one can hear you scream…no one but your kindly Ghost Host.
My otherworldly status allows me to watch as you board this intergalactic vessel and zoom into the unknown.
I love seeing the terror crawl across your face as you experience a rare form of sensory deprivation.
Your tiny human mind cannot make sense of the absence of three of your senses.
Technically, you can still touch and hear, but even that second thing is kinda useless. After all, there’s nothing to hear due to the lack of sound traveling.
You’re all alone in the depths of the void. And that void is staring back at you.
Also, your body gets thrown around due to the turbulence of outer space travel. So, on second thought, I’ll let the other super-rich people go instead.
Anyway, your Space Mountain delights me because you suffer mightily.
Twilight Zone Tower of Terror
I’ve never visited the Twilight Zone. Instead, the kindly Imagineers of Walt Disney built me a kind of afterlife gathering spot of my own.
Still, I like what I’ve heard about this Twilight Zone. My understanding is that it torments humans in all sorts of devious ways.
That awful William Shatner, who is also a rich man who traveled to space, thought he saw a gremlin on a plane in the Twilight Zone.
It was actually my friend, Steve, who rarely flies commercial.
Anyway, I quite enjoy this Rod Serling character, whose wry wit meshes well with the atrocities that people suffer in the Twilight Zone.
I especially enjoy this Hollywood Tower Hotel. I mean, it even curses children to an eternity of torment. Even I think that’s hardcore.
Plus, I love that humans are so self-destructive that they disabled the safety measures on this elevator to make it go faster. That’s also hardcore.
Oh, my home for the past 50+ years. I’ve lived here so long that I’ve started to forget remnants of my life as a mortal.
I’m pretty sure that I lived as a pirate and died a fittingly painful death as karma. Beyond that, the details get fuzzy.
What I know for a fact is that I love to monologue. So when you visit my Haunted Mansion, you’ll meet all the Happy Haunts who live here, and I’ll quip the whole time!
We are 999 in number, but there’s room for a thousand. Any volunteers?
I’ve asked that question literally millions of times. Nobody ever says yes, though.
I guess it has something to do with the Doom Buggy tours I give of my home. They do tend to get a bit mystical.
All my friends are dead, after all. That can be unsettling to some.
Also, Constance Hatchaway’s attic behavior tends to creep out most of our guests. There’s something about the way she brandishes that knife.
The whole thing makes little sense to me. You humans will willingly enter unsafe elevators in cursed dimensions. But you’re afraid of a little knife.
Still, I must insist that you visit my home this Halloween. We throw the most swinging parties. Don’t miss that graveyard scene!
We’re all having the grandest time…except for that gravedigger and his dog. They’re a timid sort.
Honorary Mention: ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter
What does it say about you humans that the scariest ride you ever made proved too terrifying? It had the word TERROR in all caps. Of course, it was scary!
How could this possibly have surprised you? I demand that you bring back ExtraTERRORestrial Alien Encounter so that I can go back to watching you suffer!
The problem with eternity is that I bore easily. So I need you humans frightened out of your gourds so that I can feel entertained for a while.
Okay, I have now offered my opinions on the scariest Disney rides. You may leave now…but beware of hitchhiking ghosts.
Feature Image: Disney